From the desk of the IrishVampGirl

As I consume my third cup of coffee in a hazy fog....my mind is working at its normal warp speed.  I have come to realize that I am so drained of life and so uncertain how to recover.  I recently watched a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick at Elevation church called "How to hug a Vampire".....Now for those who know me best, you are certainly aware of my love of everything vampiric.  But, the cliff note version....is that you need to not only identify the people who "suck the life" out of you as well as do a self-assesment on how I may also be one to suck the life out of others.  I have always been told that I am a giving and compassionate person.  I try to help anyone I can...even when I expect nothing in return.  But, in the midst of my current cercumstances I am really struggling to fight off the realty that most of the time I can't count on many.  It's also no surprise that I have difficulty developing friendships and relationships that last....I'm ashamed to admit that in those cases I must have been a vampire.  I am trying to find some balance in my expectations of people and really identify what people are really capable of giving.  It's hard to love someone who can never reciprocate the same kind of love and affection.  Love is within one's self.  What I feel is not the same for someone else.  I create that feeling internally.  I create walls around me to protect myself from further harm and disappointments.  But I know that is not really living a life with the potential that God's grace has intended.  I am searching endlessly for the answers that I know may never be clear in the darkness of a Vampires eyes....and for those that I may have sucked the life out of...I am sorry...Taking deep breathes today....the sadness from the night has seeped into my cup of Gevalia.  Barngirl out.

Faith Makes Things Possible, Not Easy

I don't want all my posts to sound like doom and gloom.....although I am struggling through some things and hurt inside....I am healing and God has a hold of me like never before.  I have good friends....I just wished they were closer.  I have found a church that I think is a great fit for me and the Princess.  My running is very sporadic as most days I just don't feel good, but I think I am ready.  I might not get the time I was hoping for, but that wasn't the point of it to begin with.  I am just looking forward to experience the city and enjoying that moment at the finish line.  This is the most important marathon to me.  I have waited a long time.  I also have found strength in my music.  Alot of things on the airwaves that are profoundly impacting me.  I also miss my horse and wish I had a means to board her in a place more suitable...but I am happy to have her in my life.  When counting my blessings, I count my horse twice!  So even though there are certain aspects of my life that maybe aren't so perfect at the moment, I know that God will bring me through this.  He will never give me more than I can handle.   I just have to have faith that GREATER things are on the horizon and that I just need to be patient.  Barngirl out!

Life is Under Construction

The Irish "Running" Girl

As many of you may know....I once was an avid runner.  I started running in 1998 in San Antonio, Texas with a running coach and a running club. In fact, I was actually pretty competitive a time or two in my life as well.  I have completed 6 marathons officially and 1 unofficially (Myrtle Beach 2010 was cancelled due to snow, but I ran it anyway!) I have even required a passport to reach my destination runs. In 2009 I set a New Year's resolution to run 100 miles per month....I was on track to achieve my goal, including completing two half-marathons at Disney World and Disneyland, but fell short by about 25 miles in December 2009 due to an untimely hospitalization.  That was a very difficult time in my life.  I ran sporadically in January 2010, but managed to complete the marathon in February.  I did a sprinkling of runs in early March and a half marathon in late March in Atlanta and then I just fell off the map.  In April 2010 it was discovered that I had developed a blood clot in my left leg.  I pretty much stopped running at that time.  I had a few runs here and there, but nothing substantial.  My lack of motivation, continuous battle with depression, and a few other physical problems have kept me from doing what I loved to do for so long.  I don't even recognize myself in the mirror sometimes.  I have gained weight and lost any bit of fitness that I had.  I remember a running coach once saying that "muscles have memory", but mine seems to have amnesia.  So, today after many trials and tribulations...First, I couldn't find my Nike+ sensor (and anybody that knows me will attest that I am a techy runner and cannot run without my Ipod and Nike+ accessories!)... then, not one but two pairs of headsets pooped out on me.  Next, I accidently knocked the "emergency" cord off the treadmill causing it to come to a screeching halt! Did I mention it was 96 degrees outside and my treadmill is in the garage with no air flow?...and then it happened... I made a scientific discovery...at 200 pounds.....I can't run a mile.  Aside from being pregnant with Valerie in 2003, this is the most I have ever weighed in my life.  Almost 40 pounds have been acquired in the last year.  It's very sad. It has becoming increasingly clear to me how fragile life can be and my health is something that I have some level of control of...David lost his "Oma" yesterday, my dad is having a kidney removed, my stepdad had a hip replacement this morning (stemming from a fall in January)...there have been numerous deaths in our community in recent months, most tragically some involving little ones.  I resolve to give myself another chance to get fit again.  I have struggled with weight most of my adult life (despite the Super Woman mileage I have put in), but this will be my toughest battle yet.  I will be 40 next year and will run (God willing) in the New York City Marathon.  It is my dream and I will be ready.  So, this asthmatic, diabetic, kidney stone carrying, polycystic ovary bearing, overweight momma is officially in training.  Barn Girl out!

The Coffee Shop

So today the temporary wizard (Dr. C) starts to probe job possibilities and somehow it comes out that I would sort of like to own a coffee shop.  I even had a place in mind...and tomorrow I am going to look at it with a realtor.  I don't have a clue how to run a coffee shop other than I can brew a pot of coffee.  I did once acquire a degree in business, but that was many moons ago.  Dr. C had me brainstorming and giving a sales pitch within a few minutes of todays session.  It would be great to have my own business, where I would make the decisions and could set my own hours.  I would like to also maybe later add some wine tastings, small book nook, and some local art, etc.  The place that I am looking at was built in 1884.  It is 3000sq feet.  I love historical places.  I am going to do a little research and networking over the next few weeks to consider the possibility.  Of course there are the "finances" to contemplate.  It's amazing how much can transpire in one day.  I really don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I have so many interests.  Dr. C says we are a breed of Renaissance Women.  I don't know if I could pull it off, but the thought of being a business owner is very tempting.  I think I would need a business partner or at least some advisors to get it all going.   For fun tonight I posed a question on Facebook...what would I name the shop?  Here are a few...Red Boots Caffeine, OMG Caffeine, Cowgirl Coffee Shop, Strings and Beans, and Stuff to make you slap your mama! At any rate, I am feeling pretty excited....something that has been lacking in recent days.  The worrying about "what to do next?" has been wearing me.  Can Coffee really be my future source of income?  God Bless the beans!  Barn Girl out!