I don't have words to express how I have been feeling in the last weeks past. It has been a fast and futile ride. So much disappointment but also some very happy times as simple as they were. At least I know I can still feel something....whether it is pain or love. It is better than feeling nothing at all. I will try to construct something soon that will pull everything together. Just continue to pray for me as the holiday season approaches.
"I So Hate Consequences"
~Reliant K~
And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes
So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night
And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that
It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want
And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end
And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down
All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you Billy Joe. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that
As I consume my third cup of coffee in a hazy fog....my mind is working at its normal warp speed. I have come to realize that I am so drained of life and so uncertain how to recover. I recently watched a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick at Elevation church called "How to hug a Vampire".....Now for those who know me best, you are certainly aware of my love of everything vampiric. But, the cliff note version....is that you need to not only identify the people who "suck the life" out of you as well as do a self-assesment on how I may also be one to suck the life out of others. I have always been told that I am a giving and compassionate person. I try to help anyone I can...even when I expect nothing in return. But, in the midst of my current cercumstances I am really struggling to fight off the realty that most of the time I can't count on many. It's also no surprise that I have difficulty developing friendships and relationships that last....I'm ashamed to admit that in those cases I must have been a vampire. I am trying to find some balance in my expectations of people and really identify what people are really capable of giving. It's hard to love someone who can never reciprocate the same kind of love and affection. Love is within one's self. What I feel is not the same for someone else. I create that feeling internally. I create walls around me to protect myself from further harm and disappointments. But I know that is not really living a life with the potential that God's grace has intended. I am searching endlessly for the answers that I know may never be clear in the darkness of a Vampires eyes....and for those that I may have sucked the life out of...I am sorry...Taking deep breathes today....the sadness from the night has seeped into my cup of Gevalia. Barngirl out.
I don't want all my posts to sound like doom and gloom.....although I am struggling through some things and hurt inside....I am healing and God has a hold of me like never before. I have good friends....I just wished they were closer. I have found a church that I think is a great fit for me and the Princess. My running is very sporadic as most days I just don't feel good, but I think I am ready. I might not get the time I was hoping for, but that wasn't the point of it to begin with. I am just looking forward to experience the city and enjoying that moment at the finish line. This is the most important marathon to me. I have waited a long time. I also have found strength in my music. Alot of things on the airwaves that are profoundly impacting me. I also miss my horse and wish I had a means to board her in a place more suitable...but I am happy to have her in my life. When counting my blessings, I count my horse twice! So even though there are certain aspects of my life that maybe aren't so perfect at the moment, I know that God will bring me through this. He will never give me more than I can handle. I just have to have faith that GREATER things are on the horizon and that I just need to be patient. Barngirl out!
