As I consume my third cup of coffee in a hazy fog....my mind is working at its normal warp speed. I have come to realize that I am so drained of life and so uncertain how to recover. I recently watched a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick at Elevation church called "How to hug a Vampire".....Now for those who know me best, you are certainly aware of my love of everything vampiric. But, the cliff note version....is that you need to not only identify the people who "suck the life" out of you as well as do a self-assesment on how I may also be one to suck the life out of others. I have always been told that I am a giving and compassionate person. I try to help anyone I can...even when I expect nothing in return. But, in the midst of my current cercumstances I am really struggling to fight off the realty that most of the time I can't count on many. It's also no surprise that I have difficulty developing friendships and relationships that last....I'm ashamed to admit that in those cases I must have been a vampire. I am trying to find some balance in my expectations of people and really identify what people are really capable of giving. It's hard to love someone who can never reciprocate the same kind of love and affection. Love is within one's self. What I feel is not the same for someone else. I create that feeling internally. I create walls around me to protect myself from further harm and disappointments. But I know that is not really living a life with the potential that God's grace has intended. I am searching endlessly for the answers that I know may never be clear in the darkness of a Vampires eyes....and for those that I may have sucked the life out of...I am sorry...Taking deep breathes today....the sadness from the night has seeped into my cup of Gevalia. Barngirl out.
I don't want all my posts to sound like doom and gloom.....although I am struggling through some things and hurt inside....I am healing and God has a hold of me like never before. I have good friends....I just wished they were closer. I have found a church that I think is a great fit for me and the Princess. My running is very sporadic as most days I just don't feel good, but I think I am ready. I might not get the time I was hoping for, but that wasn't the point of it to begin with. I am just looking forward to experience the city and enjoying that moment at the finish line. This is the most important marathon to me. I have waited a long time. I also have found strength in my music. Alot of things on the airwaves that are profoundly impacting me. I also miss my horse and wish I had a means to board her in a place more suitable...but I am happy to have her in my life. When counting my blessings, I count my horse twice! So even though there are certain aspects of my life that maybe aren't so perfect at the moment, I know that God will bring me through this. He will never give me more than I can handle. I just have to have faith that GREATER things are on the horizon and that I just need to be patient. Barngirl out!
